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her0in_chic
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Saturday, November 07, 2009

In their pain I find a depth of feeling I cannot allow for myself. My own is too much to bear alone.
— Kerry Cohen, Loose Girl

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world…perhaps you’ve seen it.

Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s how I feel all the time.

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I feel stuck. I keep so many things inside that I honestly to God feel like I am overflowing with emotions right now. It’s like I have filled every fucking inch of me with secrets and feelings that they are starting to leak through. It’s a big, unexpected wave. It’s like catching your breath. It’s that point where you trip and you find yourself free-falling to the ground and you know it’s going to hurt. It’s just so… all at once. I feel like there’s no time to think or time to hold it all in for a couple of more minutes. It’s just flowing out and there’s not one goddamn thing I can do about it; except feel. All the hurt, secrets, past, bad stuff… All the things I don’t want to feel or remember or think about come rushing at me. They go through me so quickly, I can’t even think straight. There’s just too much but apart of me is trying so hard not to feel anything at all; wanting so badly to fight back. It’s tiring and draining. I want to feel something other than this, anything at all. The only thing I can think of that isn’t self-destructive is to write and listen to music. It’s distracting and helps to an extent. But it’s not satisfying enough. What happens once I stop writing? What happens once the music stops playing?

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Friday, November 06, 2009

	The best advice I think I could give is to just keep moving forward, and don’t give a shit about what anybody thinks, just keep moving forward and do what you have to do for you. - Johnny Depp
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